Thursday, 21 August 2014

Bad days make the Good days better
August 21, 2014

Bad days make the Good days better

Woke up with that feeling in my gut that today was going to be a tough one. I had every reason to enjoy today, I woke up and saw my friend that I sorely missed and hadn't seen in a couple of months. He had been doing field work for his course in a volcanic island in Greece. This is the friend that I said has been watching out for me for a while now. We were real happy to see each other again and we planned exciting things ahead. Whilst away he had gone fishing and caught some actual barracudas! We talked about how fun fishing can be and just chilling in a remote location and chatting about the wonders of life. Decided we'd go on a fishing trip somewhere hot and beautiful, something to look forward to. Unfortunately I  knew that today wouldn't be my best day but just him being there for a bit though left me in good spirits. We said our goodbyes and I went to work.

Things detoriated quickly and every minute felt like an hour, every conversation felt like a chore and the world felt heavy, like a burden on my shoulders. Wish I could say why but every reason would seem illogical or irrational. It felt beyond my control, that the chemicals in my brain had denominated my personality. Maybe coming off fluoxetine had finally had it's effect but I had no idea it would hit me this hard. Today was the most difficult day I've had since I can remember. I didn't want to seem weak so I put on a good front and nobody suspected much. One waitress at the cafe asked me if anything was wrong and I said no, not at all and continued working. Getting kept slightly later due to how busy it was just made things worse. I couldn't wait to get home. It's funny that... If I can hide how I feel so easily, then i wonder how many other people can? 

The bus back felt like the longest journey ever, I couldn't keep my eyes open because the world seemed far too dull to look at and the noise on the bus was overpowering. It's baffles me how mood can change absolutely everything. One day I'll be smiling at anything and everything and the next I can't even see what's outside without being agitated. 

After getting home I lied down, when I feel bad sometimes I can't help but give in for a bit and lie in bed in a dark room, no matter what time of day. It's ok to give yourself a break sometimes, I can't be too hard on myself. After all, I didn't do anything to deserve this even though it may feel like it sometimes. Calling the Barracuda friend for some comfort helped, I couldn't ask for a more loyal and caring friend. Doesn't matter whether I have nothing good to say, he'll convince me there's something exciting round the corner and he's already looking at holiday spots for our fishing trip which would be ages away. Even if he made me smile for just a second then he's done me a great service that I shall find a way to repay when the world seems more colourful. 

I keep telling myself that these times are only temporary, even though today felt so bad I didn't even feel like existing. If these days are the hardest then surely that'll make me better at handling them? Just need to take one step at a time.. I might get blown back a few steps sometimes but you sometimes need to move back before you can move forward.

Remember the last time something happened that hurt you and left you better off? Hopefully today was one of them moments. Staying strong and keeping my chin high,

Francis

P.S. Here's a song that reminds me of the days when I first started feeling better after a long time. Every time I listen to I can sense the good coming.



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